Portal Theme Challenge
by Chloe Kompton
Summary: In which there are lots of disconnected ficlets that have to conform to certain themes. Five per chapter.
1. Chapter 1

**[A/N: The link to the theme challenge can be found at sora-horsey(dot)deviantart(dot)com/art/NEW-100-Themes-Challenge-131213677 :)!]**

**1. Names**

Wheatley had been going to ask the test subject what he should call her. After all, she was the first one he'd found alive, and he didn't want to just refer to her as "test subject" as they navigated the facility together. But she hadn't seemed to be able to speak, so he hadn't bothered. Instead he'd resolved to check her file, but then there had been an emergency evacuation, and he'd panicked. There just hadn't been enough time.

And then he'd never had another chance. Oh, he supposed he could have asked Her, but he was pretty sure there was absolutely no way She'd ever tell him anything. Not after the way She'd screamed at him when he'd been attached to Her chassis. She'd always told him what a moron he was. He'd chattered at Her, about all sorts of different subjects ("D'you think it'd be a good idea if we replaced all the neurotoxin with, I don't know, helium? Because I think that'd be _hilarious!_"), trying to distract Her, but Her train of thought always led to just one conclusion: that he was a moron.

He'd hated how She called him that, over and over again until he almost believed it himself. There were no words to express how happy he'd been when the scientists had removed him from the chassis at last—or, well, maybe there were. Wheatley was sure that if She could hear his thoughts right now, She'd tell him the only reason he couldn't think of words was that he was a moron.

But She couldn't hear his thoughts right now. She was only a potato, sitting in the core transfer receptacle, shouting at the nameless test subject to press the button. If She _could_ read his thoughts, She would know that the button was booby-trapped and She'd change her mind.

As much as he wanted the test subject gone, there was a part of him that wanted to scream at her not to press it, because it would undoubtedly kill her. He had the facility under control. Everything was absolutely fine; there was no chance of her dying, unless of course she pressed the button.

And as the test subject entered the Stalemate Resolution Box, her hand hovering above the button, he began digging through his files, searching for a name to go with the face, so he could call to her and warn her not to do it. He supposed he could have warned her without the name, but it was important to him that he know it at last.

It took around three seconds for him to catch sight of the outside of a folder labeled with nothing but her picture. He was so happy that he'd finally found it—

But then the test subject pressed the button. There was a tremendous explosion, and then he could no longer access any of the files he'd once had at his metaphorical fingertips.

_Maybe I'll just bloody call you Lee,_ he thought bitterly as he raged at her, screaming that she should never have interfered. _You wouldn't like that, would you? Because it's not even a girl's name! It's a boy's name! But that's just too bad, because you made it so I could never even find out what your real name is._

_So then, Lee, let the games begin. Since you won't just make it easy on yourself and DIE._

It was at that point that Lee opened a portal to the moon, and for Wheatley at least, the games ended.

**2. Hardship**

New experiences were for science.

Or at least that was what GLaDOS kept telling herself. To her knowledge (and she _was_ the most massive collection of wisdom that ever existed, even in potato form), there had never before been an experiment when a sentient being was put into a potato. Therefore, she was keeping a careful record of everything she felt.

But her main emotions had nothing to do with science: Anger. Hatred. Rage. All towards the Intelligence Dampening Sphere, which should _never_ have been placed in control of _her_ facility.

And that pushed the blame back to the test subject, who was carrying GLaDOS on the end of her portal gun, seldom paying her any attention with the exception of an occasional glance. GLaDOS had to wonder why the subject had taken pity on her by saving her from the bird. After all, she had attempted to murder the human multiple times, and the human was more than tenacious enough to defeat the moron on her own.

So why had the test subject done it? Had she felt guilty, perhaps? Guilty for murdering GLaDOS, guilty for ripping her head off of her body?

GLaDOS snuck a look up at the test subject as they moved into the next chamber together. Whatever the reason, she could tell that for once, the human was suffering almost as much as she herself was.

**3. School**

"And... forty potato batteries. Embarrassing. I realize they're children," the sphere said. "Still, low-hanging fruit. Barely science, really, is it?"

But Chell wasn't listening to him. She'd stopped beside a potato that had grown both into the ceiling and into the floor, resting a fond hand on it as the memory of the last day she'd seen it washed over her.

_"How come we have to do a science fair at daycare?" eight-year-old Chell asked her father. "I have to do one for school next year, and daycare's not supposed to be like school. It's STUPID that I have to do this!"_

_Doug Rattmann gave her a disapproving frown. "Chell, we don't use words like that. And we're doing it for fun. Science is fun, remember?"_

"_Science is how come I had to do this project," Chell pouted. "Do I HAVE to go to Bring Your Daughter to Work Day next year?"_

_Her father had shrugged. "That depends on if we even have one next year. If everyone complains about it like you're doing, then there isn't going to be one."_

_Despite herself, Chell looked disappointed, and her father chuckled as he patted her on the head. "I've got to go and help with the GLaDOS project. I won't be able to come back and see you until after she's activated, all right? But then we can slip away from the rest of the group and I'll show you my office."_

"_Okay," Chell said. She gave him a hug. "Bye, Daddy. If I win, can we hang up my ribbon on my wall?"_

_He smiled. "Sure. Right next to your honor roll certificates. But now I've really got to go!"_

_She waved goodbye as he turned and hurried off, then turned her attention back to her project, pulling out the green vial she'd just managed to snag from the pocket of her father's lab coat. She put a few drops on the potato, frowned, then dumped the entire thing, watching with fascination as it began to grow. _

_She had more important things to do than think about her father._

Chell had to fight back tears as she stared at the trifold poster with its childish drawings and handwriting. If she had known that was the last time she'd ever see her father, she would have made sure nothing was more important.

God only knows that nothing had been more important since.

**4. Opinion**

Chell stepped out of her bedroom, wearing a new dress. Wheatley was sitting on the couch, facing her, and his optic widened. "Wow! You look…you look lovely, Chell."

She smiled as she walked over to him, then hesitated, feeling extremely self-conscious all of a sudden. Once GLaDOS had told her even a jumpsuit didn't look good on her. Memories from her time at Aperture tended to pop up at the most inopportune times, and they never made her happy.

"What?" Wheatley asked. "Is something the matter? Did I do something wrong?" He looked worried. "Oh, please don't tell me I did something wrong, because if I did, I'm really sorry, and I don't want this to get in the way of our going to McDonald's—"

Only Chell and Wheatley could think going to McDonald's was an occasion worth dressing up for. She hadn't been in god-only-knows-how-many years, and he'd never been to any sort of restaurant at all.

Chell shook her head no as she reached for the pad of paper sitting on the counter.

"No?" Wheatley asked, sounding relieved. "I didn't do anything wrong?"

Chell shook her head again as she scribbled on the pad. _Can I get your honest opinion on something?_

As usual, it took him a moment to read it, and his optic brightened when he'd puzzled it out. "Sure! Anything."

_Does this dress make me look fat?_

**5. Break Up**

"I just thought you should know that I am getting rid of you. For good this time. I am sick of having you here, cluttering up my databases, listening to you criticize every single thing I do. I've put up with you for years because of your daughter, but now that she's gone and gotten herself killed, I don't see why I should have to be nice any longer. It's someone's fault that she's dead, and it's certainly not mine, so it must be yours. So in human terms, I am 'dumping' you.

"Goodbye, Caroline."

But in the end, she couldn't go through with it. Now that Chell was gone, Caroline was the only company she had left.


	2. Chapter 2

**[A/N: Remember, guys, crackfic is the best fic! xD;]**

**6. New Love**

"…You haven't eaten in a while."

At that, Chell glanced up from her Companion Cube and focused on one of the cameras, looking questioning. The robotic voice had been ordering her to incinerate it for the past several hours, but now it seemed to be switching tactics.

"You must be _very_ hungry," the voice went on. "So I'll make you a deal. If you euthanize the Aperture Science Weighted Companion Cube, I will allow you to have a slice of your victory cake early. Does that sound fair to you? Because I think it's _more_ than fair."

Against Chell's will, her stomach grumbled loudly, and she bit her lip. It was true that she was starving. She couldn't remember the last time she'd eaten, and she wasn't sure she could continue on much longer without food. But how could she know that she could trust the voice? All the graffiti she'd found said that "the cake was a lie," and she did love her cube. She wasn't sure she was willing to sacrifice it for something that might not even be real.

"You don't believe me," the voice said. It took on a shocked and hurt tone. "I can read your facial expressions perfectly well, you know. And I'm offended. I've done nothing but be truthful with you—where it was not part of a required test protocol, that is."

Chell felt a bit guilty, because that was true. But the graffiti on the walls told her otherwise, and the last thing she wanted to do was incinerate her best friend for a lie.

Then a panel on the wall slid up. Chell watched with interest as it revealed a room she hadn't known was there.

Right in the center of the room was a delicious-looking cake. Closing her eyes, Chell inhaled the rich smell. It had to be fresh out of the oven. She stood and began hurrying over to it, but just as she reached the empty space connecting the two rooms, the panel slammed back down, cutting off the smell. Furious, Chell whirled back to glare at the camera.

"Do we have a deal?" the voice asked sweetly. It sounded smug—_far too smug for its own good,_ Chell thought bitterly.

But she nodded.

"Good," the voice said as Chell turned back to the cube. She picked it up and set it on the button, then leaned over and gave it one last tight hug before doing what she had to do. Tears threatened to prickle her eyes as she watched it fall into the incinerator, but they were pushed back by the giddy knowledge that she was about to receive cake. She had loved her cube, but she would love the cake even more.

She turned towards the wall where the cake had been. The panel was moved up like before, but much to her shock and chagrin, this time there was nothing there.

Chell could hardly believe it. She walked into the room, just to make sure, and examined every little corner before walking back out and giving the camera a confused glare.

"Please proceed to the chamber-lock at the end of each test chamber," the voice told her in response. "Keep in mind that one of the symptoms most commonly produced by Enrichment Center technology is hallucinations." It didn't say anything about the cake, and Chell was forced to question her own sanity, since she lacked the means to stage a verbal protest. Had she really imagined the whole thing?

As she trudged her way to the elevator, she consoled herself with the fact that the voice had repeatedly told her there would be cake at the end of the testing. She knew she couldn't have hallucinated hearing that all those times.

Soon she would see her love again.

**7. Alley**

"What is this place?" the potato on the end of Chell's portal gun asked. They were in what seemed to be some sort of dark alley now, hidden inside the depths of Aperture, and her optic was the only light. "Turn me so I can see."

Chell obliged, turning the portal gun so that GLaDOS was facing forward.

And then she came to an abrupt halt, letting out a choked gasp as the light lit up the corridor ahead. There were corpses littering the ground, but they weren't human: they were giant bugs.

"What?" the potato asked, sounding impatient. "Why did you stop?" Chell didn't answer, not that she could have anyway, still frozen in place with a mixture of shock, disgust, and fear, but it didn't take GLaDOS long to figure it out. "Oh. You're looking at the Mantis Men, aren't you? Well, don't. They're dead. They've been dead for a long time. They can't possibly hurt you."

Chell still didn't move, and the potato let out a long sigh. "Look. If you don't get moving soon, this facility is going to explode and the dead bugs are going to be the _least_ of your worries!"

At that, Chell forced herself to start moving again. She kept her eyes trained straight ahead, refusing to glance at any of the corpses that threatened to invade her peripheral vision. By the time they finally reached the end of the alley, her stomach was clenching. All she could think about was how the corpses might look like bugs, but they had been human once.

When they were safely out, she set the portal gun on the ground as she bent over and rested her head between her knees. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, glad to be breathing fresh air again as opposed to the air inside the alley, which had been tainted with a faint smell of musty rotting.

"Come on!" the potato urged. "We _need_ to get moving!"

Chell ignored her, instead choosing to take another few breaths before picking up the gun and continuing on. She was glad to be out of the alley, but she'd be even gladder when she was rid of the snarky vegetable.

**8. Riddle**

"I've got a riddle for you."

At that, Chell glanced up, her interest piqued. She'd been doing a pretty fair job at ignoring GLaDOS's jibes thus far, but she'd always been one for puzzles.

"And if you answer it correctly, then I'll even throw in a bonus," the AI continued, her voice sweet as honey. "I'll open that door over there and allow you to leave."

A few wall panels slid aside, revealing a door, and Chell couldn't help but feel a slight pang of hope, despite every instinct in her body telling her it was a trick. She allowed the portal gun to rest by her side as she gave the camera a questioning stare.

"So riddle me this, [Subject Name Here]," GLaDOS said, clearly noticing her interest. "What animal walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs at night?"

Chell blinked. The AI couldn't really think that would pose a challenge to her? Every schoolchild knew that riddle, and she was no exception.

With a smirk on her face, she began to open her mouth to answer. She got as far as mouthing the first syllable before she remembered what all the time she'd spent in the relaxation vaults had done to her voice.

"Oh," GLaDOS said, sounding smug. "I must have forgotten. You're mute. You can't answer me. So I suppose you can't answer the riddle after all. How _sad_."

Chell felt her fists clench as the AI continued. "Oh, well. Back to testing."

**9. You and Me**

Aperture was falling to pieces around Chell, and she couldn't feel anything but despair. The announcer was saying something about an explosion in thirty seconds, her last chance of survival in the form of a potato had been destroyed, and her former only friend had her dangling from the ceiling by a claw. Unlike her, he seemed triumphant. It was like he couldn't even see the miniature explosions already taking place.

"It's just you and me now, luv!" he called, focusing on her with a stare that was both possessive and victorious. "You and me, testing. Forever! Just the two of us. Testing forever."

All Chell could do was shake her head.

"No?" he asked with a snort. "What d'you mean, no? It's over, luv! I've won! Ol' Wheatley's won! Your little potato friend's gone now, remember? Been fried by my Thermal—by my Thermal Dis—by my laser beam."

The announcer began counting down from ten, but Wheatley still didn't seem fazed, and somehow Chell couldn't seem to find the heart to tell him just how short "forever" was going to be.

"So!" he said as the announcer reached one. "Shall we begin the tests?"

**10. I Do**

For once in her life, Chell was happy. After GLaDOS had let her go, she had dragged her Weighted Companion Cube all the way to civilization. She'd been accepted into the community without question—after the Combine invasion, people without identification were all too common—and she'd begun helping to rebuild the society she'd never even known. She'd made friends, allies, and she'd been kept full and healthy, which was more than she could say for her time at Aperture.

And now, after almost a year, she thought it was time to give that time some closure. Chell stood next to her Companion Cube, looking down at it. She'd dragged it outside, and it was sitting next to her trash can, waiting to be picked up and taken to the dump. It gave her small pangs to look at it, and she gave it a pat before turning to head back inside.

But then she heard a sigh coming from the cube as a familiar voice said, "Wait."

That couldn't possibly be who she thought it was. Chell whirled back around, taking a defensive posture as she stared at the cube with puzzlement.

"I know you probably weren't expecting this," the voice said. "In fact, I can tell you weren't. The cameras in the cube can see every detail on that _healthy_ face of yours."

Cameras? That word made Chell feel instantly lightheaded. Cameras in the cube she'd trusted for so long? She'd kept it in a corner of her bedroom for as long as she'd had one. Had it really been spying on her this whole time?

"But you seem to be throwing away the cube," the voice continued. "I've been contemplating doing this for a long time, and it seems that this is my last chance."

Chell just kept staring at the cube, her head swimming as she tried to make sense of what was happening.

There was a pause before the voice spoke again. "Look. As much as it pains me to say it, I want you to come back. Truly. I really do. This isn't some sort of trap or anything unpleasant like that. It's just that the Cooperative Testing Bots are not the ideal test subjects I'd hoped they would be. For one thing, they don't die. Not that I had intentions of killing you," the voice added quickly upon seeing the instant look of fear on Chell's face. "It's just that there's always a chance with you. There's no chance with them."

Chell couldn't shake her head no fast enough as she backed away.

"[Subject Name Here], do not back away from me," the voice barked. It sounded surprised, like it hadn't expected her to say no. "Come back! Please. I _need_ your help."

Chell was already turning and running back towards the apartment complex, and she didn't slow down, not even as the voice began to scream at her. She only stopped once she was safely inside, leaning her back against the door as she closed her eyes and panted for breath.

The voice might want her to come back, but she would _never_ set foot inside Aperture again.


	3. Chapter 3

**11. Secret**

"Let me let you in on a little something," the voice said. Chell didn't stop, wouldn't stop, _couldn't_ stop to listen. She'd been running through the maintenance areas of the facility for the past hour, and her body was working purely on adrenaline now. The voice had been trying to convince her to stop running for exactly that amount of time. It had gone from rational to desperate to psychotic. Chell hadn't been paying it any attention, and she wasn't about to start now. Brushing a strand of dark hair out of her face, she shot a portal at the wall and jumped.

Still, though, that didn't stop the voice from talking. "Everything in this facility is mine. That includes you. If I wanted to, I could vacuum out this air and end your insignificant human life right now."

Chell landed and began to run again. It seemed unlikely that the voice was going to stop threatening her anytime soon.

"But I won't," the voice continued. "Do you want to know why?" There was a beat of silence, then, "Well, I'll tell you anyway. It's because I find you fascinating. You are a blend of intelligence, tenacity, and stupidity. And if you take offense to my calling you stupid, well, just think about it. Any truly intelligent person would have come back to the testing area by now."

Even though Chell was only half-listening as she ran through the corridors, eyes scanning ahead for any potential dangers, she rolled her eyes anyway. The voice's clear attempts to manipulate her possessed an utter lack of subtlety.

"Which is what you should do, by the way," the voice said. "Just come on back to the testing area. There isn't any cake left, but you can have something else. Ice cream, perhaps."

Ignoring it, Chell fired a portal at the wall above her and the floor below her, flinging her way to the area hidden above.

"…Hello?"

**12. DO NOT ENTER**

"It says not to go in there."

Ignoring the potato wedged on the end of her portal gun, Chell pulled off the rotting wood that was blocking the door with minimal effort. This was the only exit she'd found after what had to be ten minutes of searching, and she'd be damned if she weren't going to at least try it.

"Can't you read?" The potato sounded irritated, but that was to be expected. After all, when was she _not_ irritated? "It's right there. It's even written in bright red. Do you see it now? I know you're not just ignoring me. Even you aren't stupid enough to do that."

Chell pulled the last of the rotting wood aside and reached for the door handle. It was locked, and she rattled it around for a brief moment before realizing that the door itself was rotting as well.

"Stop!" the potato cried as Chell raised a foot to kick a hole through it. With a frown, the human paused and stared at her. "Do you have any _idea_ what sort of…_things…_could be down here? The early days of Aperture incorporated all _sorts_ of dangerous testing. Not the tests you're used to. Worse. Things like…well, there's no need for you to know. The point is that I don't want to die because of your stupidity. Don't kick that door in. Just turn around and walk back out of the room."

Chell hesitated, then raised her foot back up and kicked a hole clean through the door. The potato moaned as the human reached through the hole and unlocked the door. "Oh, I can't watch this…"

The door opened to reveal nothing but a dark hallway. Chell turned the portal gun so that the light of the potato's optic lit it up. As far as she could tell, nothing was there. Raising her eyebrows, she turned the gun back around and stared at the potato, waiting for a response.

"Well," the potato finally said after a long pause. "I suppose there's every possibility that these testing chambers were deemed unsafe for foolish reasons. But that doesn't mean there's not still a chance that the reasons were valid. Just…be on your guard, all right? If one of us dies, there's no _telling_ what could happen to my poor facility."

Nodding, Chell adjusted the gun and began walking.

**[A/N: …And then Theme Seven happens. In a bit. Later.]**

**13. Colors**

Every day, Wheatley watched Chell step out of her room wearing a brightly-colored outfit. She'd smile at him, and he'd give his best version of a smile back, but then he'd examine her outfit some more.

It wasn't fair. She always had something lovely on, and he was stuck wearing the same boring old thing. It was white. _White._ A nothing color. Chell never wore white. Was she trying to say that he was a nothing? Was that all he was? After all, she never offered to give him something colorful of his own to wear.

So one day, he finally gathered up the courage to clear his metaphorical throat and ask. "_Ahem_…Chell?"

She looked up from the bowl of cereal she was pouring and raised her eyebrows at him, her way of asking, _"What?"_

He made the _ahem_ noise again. "Well…it's just…you look lovely today, you really do."

Her eyebrows rose even more. He hadn't known that was possible. She moved her hand in a circular motion, as if to say, _"Go on."_

So he did. "But…look, it's just that you always look lovely, and I think it's because you wear all those beautiful outfits and it…_I_ never get to wear any outfits, and I was wondering why. Is it because you don't think I'd like them? Because I would. Or maybe it's because you think I don't deserve to wear them? Is it punishment for trying to kill you? Because I'm still really, really sorry about that. I truly am! ...Chell?"

His voice trailed off, because she'd been smiling and chuckling to herself since he started talking, but at that, her face slipped into a frown. Abandoning the cereal, she walked over to him, and he eyed her nervously, hoping she wasn't about to hit him or something. She didn't look very happy at all.

But then she wrapped her arms around him in a hug, giving his casings a reassuring pat before releasing him and waving goodbye.

"Bye?" he asked. "Where are you going? Chell?"

She ignored him, grabbing her purse and her keys before exiting the apartment, leaving Wheatley to worry. Had she left him here for good? Had his request been the straw that broke the human's back? (He knew the expression was "camel's," but in this case, he thought "human's" fit much better.)

His worrying was for naught, though, because after around an hour, she returned, carrying a large plastic bag in one hand.

"Chell!" he said with overwhelming relief. "I was worried about you! Thought you might have, I don't know, left me…"

Chuckling, she shook her head, then placed the bag on the kitchen table. He turned himself so he could eye it. "What's in there, then?"

She reached into the bag and pulled out several paint bottles, along with a large paintbrush, then raised her eyebrows at him, looking expectant.

He didn't understand. "Uh…well, what you've got there is…"

Shaking her head at him, she pulled several plastic trays out of the bag and set them on the table. She then proceeded to rip the plastic covering off the tops of the paint bottles, setting them up in a little row. Wheatley kept asking her what she was doing, but she ignored him.

At last, her supplies were ready, and she carefully poured a bit of paint from each bottle onto each tray. She dipped the brush into the red and held it up, giving Wheatley another expectant look as she approached him.

He still didn't understand, but he _did_ understand that red stuff looking like that came out of humans when they were hurt, and he began to rock back and forth with fear, babbling. "Is this going to hurt? Chell! _Is this going to hurt?_—Oh, that's quite nice, actually, what you're doing there—"

She'd pressed the brush to one side of his casings and begun to paint, holding onto his bottom handle to stop him from rocking and smudging the paint. He stared at her without speaking, trying to figure out what she was doing, but then, after she dipped the brush in the small bucket of water she'd set out and then dipped it in the orange, his optic finally widened with realization. "Oh! It's an _outfit_! This is how humans put on _outfits_!"

He began rocking back and forth in excitement, and it was all Chell could do to keep him still, chuckles escaping her lips as she nodded. She was laughing at him again. He didn't mind.

**14. Cruel**

"That turret is following us."

At the sound of the potato's irritated voice, Chell turned around to look. Sure enough, one of the turrets she'd dropped Repulsion Gel on was bouncing down the corridor behind them, and she stopped to stare at it.

"What are you doing?" GLaDOS asked. It was impressive, the human reflected, how she could sound more irritated with each syllable. "We don't have time for this!"

Ignoring the potato as usual, Chell waited for the turret to get close and then caught it with her portal gun.

"Thank you," the turret said weakly, startling Chell into almost dropping it. She'd thought it was dead.

"Oh, God," GLaDOS said. "It's one of _those._" Chell gave her a questioning glance, and she went on. "There's a glitch in the programming of certain turrets. I don't know how it happened, but as it only affects one in every three-thousand, four-hundred-and-nine turrets, it hasn't seemed important enough to rectify."

"The rain in Albuquerque falls mainly on the plain!" the turret whispered. GLaDOS gave a snort of derision.

"It's broken. Well, as broken as a broken turret can be. Trust me, they have a set of sayings they say. I won't bore you with them, as they are all irrelevant."

Chell wished she could have told the potato that she knew exactly what the broken turrets were "supposed" to say, having spent almost half an hour memorizing the sayings of the one she'd found on the Turret Redemption Line.

"There's an Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grill coming up," GLaDOS continued. "Just run the turret through it. It will be emancipated right away and thus put out of its misery."

"I'm diiiiii—the same!" the turret said. It sounded like it was on the verge of tears, and Chell felt her heart melt for it. The way Aperture's technology could seem so _human_ was damn unnerving.

She set the turret down.

"Hello!" it whispered as she began walking away.

"You're making a big mistake," GLaDOS said angrily. "You may _think_ you're being kind by refusing to kill it, but you're not. You're just making things worse for it. Why are you always so pointlessly cruel? You monster."

Listening to the potato rant, Chell considered turning back and dropping it next to the broken turret, but decided against it. _That_ would be cruel.

**15. Kings, Queens, and Jokers**

"Well! This is awfully cozy, innit? Oh! We still haven't introduced ourselves! 'Ello! I'm Whe—"

"I _know_ who you are. Or rather, I know _what_ you are." Her voice was cold, cutting through his babbling like a knife. He paused, put off for just a brief moment.

"Well then, that makes one of us! Because they never told me who you were, even though I asked. They just shoved me right on up here! Bloody rude, really! So I thought, I'd just ask her once I got up here, and here I am. Asking you." He wished he could see her optic, see her expression as she realized how clever he was. After all, he'd come up with that plan all on his own.

The master AI let out a long sigh. "_I_ am the queen of this facility, and you may refer to me as such."

He paused in confusion, then said, "Ah! All right. You look like a queen, you definitely do. All regal and beautiful and—oh! If you're the queen, does that make me the king? Since I'm, you know, attached to you and all?"

It was then that he heard the most unpleasant sound he had ever heard in his brief week of activation: The queen began to laugh. It echoed throughout his circuits, making him shudder with fear. The sound could only have lasted for a few seconds, but it seemed like an eternity.

"No, you little moron," she said when she had finished, her venom-filled voice suddenly devoid of all humor. "You are _not_ the king. Nor will you ever be. I don't _need _a king. But if you would like a title, then you may be the joker. I don't need one of those either, but since I seem to be stuck with you, that is all you will ever be."

He didn't like the sound of that one bit. "I really don't think that—"

"Good," she snapped. "Don't think. Don't ever think. And don't talk, either."

He managed to abide by that restriction for all of five seconds.

"So! If I'm the joker…what does the joker do, exactly?

His only response was a long sigh, then, "He dies."

Those were the last words Wheatley heard before a sharp jolt of electricity shocked his processors into shutting down.


End file.
